Johnny Carson, Still Dead

On the Today show this morning a very indignant Carl Reiner suggested that some station put Johnny Carson's old episodes on,"even at 1 or 2 in the morning" starting with the very first episodes and going through the next 23 years, and "they'd still be funny! Grrr! Still funny!"

They also had that one comedian - I want to say Richard Brenner, but I can't be sure - and also Dick Cavett, who looked fresh as a daisy. They remained silent while Carl sputtered. *UPDATE: DKNY just told me - "it's David Brenner, not Richard or Yul." He's funny, that DKNY!

Then they played that clip where Johnny Carson messes with Ed McMahon's tie, and then they get into a sort of girly fighting match. If you've turned on the television in the last day, you've seen it - they must have just one two-minute clip reel at all the newsstations. Ed McMahon, wearing an aubergine polyester suit that's too tight in the neck, starts to get really into it and is clearly untying Johnny's tie with gusto, but then Johnny puts an end to it before it gets too sexy, or as sexy as any girlyman fight can get when one of the men is a very jowly and not-carrying-a-big-check Ed McMahon.

The problem with the news - and I read this somewhere so I can't claim it as my own - but the problem is that there's now much more news coverage, what with your CNN and Fox "News" Network, but there's not actually any more news.

So we went right from 24-hour Tsunami-vision into (briefly, in NY) "Oh My Gawd! It's Snowing!" 24-hour coverage, except the snow was totally no big deal, so they pounced on Johnny Carson 24-hour deadwatch when that happened.

I could feel the newscasters getting bored as the snow started to melt yesterday, so they jumped on Johnny Carson's death like it was beef jerky, and they were totally baked.

I actually saw a man being interviewed in Central Park by the "On The Scene" reprorter about the snow, only they had switched midstream so the man was labeled "Carson Viewer" (Great! An Expert viewer! I hate amateur television watchers) who said he "liked Johnny Carson."

Thanks, that was so insightful. Really.

It's always struck me as so odd when Pizza Hut has something called the "Cheese Lover's Pizza" or "Meat Lover's Special" or whatever. Do people actually self-identify that way? Can you imagine a personal ad like that?

GWM seeks athletic hairy Asian. I am a successful 32-year old meat lover. I love consuming all kinds of meat, including sausage, pepperoni, and Canadian bacon. With me, there is no stopping the topping. No fats or fems.

Now that I think about it, though, you'd probably get a ton of responses. Most gay people are retarded, you know, so they'd get sucked in by that line about toppings, but for all the wrong reasons.

Jack: Now we go to Rosario De Los Angeles, who is on the scene in Central Park with people who are desperate to be on television.

Rosario: Thanks John, I'm here with a fan of [dead celebrity] who said he will miss him or her!

Fan: I always enjoyed [dead celebrity] in [dead celebrity]'s television programs and/or movies! I am sad that he or she is gone!

Rosario: So would you say you are the biggest fan of [dead celebrity] ever?

Fan: [unconvincingly] Sure, um, I guess so. I think that his or her work continued to be entertaining and has lasting value, even though he or she kinda dropped out of the public eye for awhile there, and I can't say that I really even thought about him for the last several years. Actually, I thought [dead celebrity] died last year.

Rosario: Yes, me too. This is a sad day. I am sad. Back to you, Jim!

They gave Reagan about three weeks of coverage, so Johnny should probably keep them satisfied until at least Friday, don't you think?

On Saturday I woke up having just had a wonderful and terribly realistic dream in which Del Marquis came over to my apartment, which was not really my apartment, and we hung out for awhile and he talked to me for like 15 imaginary minutes. I was kind of surprised that I dreamed about Del Marquis instead of sexy Jake Shears, and also a little worried. What if imaginary Jake Shears gets jealous of my fledgeling imaginary relationship with Del Marquis?

I mean, we just talked to each other, but he did sit on the edge of my dream bed. Probably because my dream apartment seemed to be some sort of dream cabin, and the dream bedroom was in the dream kitchen, so that was where dream Del Marquis had to sit - there really wasn't any other furniture. But you have to admit, on the animated DVD menu screen for the videos on We Are Scissor Sisters And So Are You - the one where Del is just in his underwear - he's looking pretty yummy. For a white guy.

(If you look in the comments section for yesterday, below the insane ramblings of Todd - who misspelled "Xanga" in all his links anyway so none of them work - what a pussy! - our much more faithful reader marcXc0re, has posted a (working) link of the Scissor Sisters Take Your Mama performance on SNL. Thanks!)

The other day the inauguration was on, and Bushie the Second and Laura were doing their awkward on-stage "dancing" at one of the inaugural balls. Laura had on her glassy-eyed stare, with her head lolling about the room like a bladder on a stick, and I mused out loud to DKNY and the Stump, "Gee, can you imagine what sex must be like for those two? She's just laying there, head flopping around, smiling blandly at everything, and Bushie's just rutting away on top of her like a Chihuahua on a Doberman's leg? Can't you just see it?"

Unfortunately, they have vivid imaginations and they could see it, so they asked me to stop speaking immediately, before I could even start describing what I thought Laura's expression would look like if she had a ball gag in her mouth and was getting it up the butt - but I'll tell you, constant reader: I'll bet she would look exactly the same. (And I'll bet Bushie smirks when he comes).

But really, didn't you totally forget about Johnny Carson for like a half a minute there? Wasn't it worth it?

That is all.