Davis McDavis' Top Five "Things That Offend Me"

Inspired by the insipid and tired Christians responsible for keeping Janet.'s titties off the airwaves and out of our homes, I've come up with a list of my own:

Davis McDavis' Top Five "Things That Offend Me"

1. George Lucas' beard. Face it, you have no chin, do not attempt to create one with your facial hair. And no, a large bristle-covered triple-chin a la Bruce Villanch is not the answer, either.
   
2. People who are rude to the help. He might say he's Jim, and he's happy to serve you, but in reality, he's happy to serve you so that you will leave. Being rude doesn't get you better service, it gets you more saliva on your entree. Have your order ready when he comes to the table, and leave a goddamn tip. And no, a Bible verse is not a tip, it's an irritation. MONEY is a tip.
   
3. Use of the phrase "...and all that good stuff" at the end of a sentence, such as, "Please get me the year-end sales figures and all that good stuff." It was really the weakest album the B-52's have made, and that includes Mesopotamia. No need to keep throwing that failure in my face during a business meeting.
   
4. Menus that mix up the word "mesclun" with "mescaline." They are two very different and non-interchangeable words. If you're going to "fancy up" your menu, don't do it by saying you are serving a powerful hallucinogen with a light balsamic vinaigrette.
5. See that girl over there, the one in the flip-flops with the fake Vuitton bag, talking on her cell phone? The one who has set her bag on the floor so she can take her charge card out and charge her latte, and when she bends over her thong is three inches higher than the waistband of her Juicy Couture sweatpants with JUICY written on the ass, so the entire line of people waiting behind her for their ice-blendeds has to see her ass crack AND listen to her describe to her friend every boring moment of her day leading up to this coffee purchase? Her.

That is all.